It’s a struggle to keep doing this. Between work and family, making time for friends, even doing laundry… I keep thinking about what to do with this site. All the words of encouragement, the notes of appreciations, Thank You but that’s not why the site was made. None of this is being done for you.
Before when I would write something it wasn’t a big deal to trash it. Most everything wrote was to simply get it off my chest and burn it. Now a sense of guilt fills the air as the site gets ignored. Especially after the failure of Annabel Lee. The current project is over 1600 words and not close to being done. Not even close to being ready for editing. Years ago I would have stopped as I’ve learned what was needed but the thought isn’t complete enough for others to follow.
Still, maybe, I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do.
But go forward.
David J here with some CagedSparrow announcements.
First, lets start with the Kiva project. Currently team Apatheia has lent $5,450 total dollars toward world change. In the introduction post I publicly announced that if the team doesn’t meet its $10,000 goal I would make up the difference in January 2014. The statement was made with the understanding of how easy it is for people to sign up for kiva and receive a FREE $25 Kiva credit to loan. However, my faith in humanity sunk to an all time low as it became clear people wouldn’t take ten minutes to lend free money and help support spreading good will BUT I could gather the troops to add debt to their credit cards for a night drinking regardless of what was going on the following day.
Seriously people? A common response was “I don’t need anymore SPAM in my E-Mail.”
My hand was forced a little to change my whole thinking on how to approach the Kiva Project. Of the $5,450 in loans, $5,075 has come from David J. I decided to add money into my account until I met a personal goal. From there the amount was set to auto relend for life. This means I’ve maxed the amount planned to go into kiva. The amount deposited will generate over $500 a month in new loans.
The goal is still the same. A minimum of $1,500 will be auto lender through the remanded of the year by me doing nothing. The remaining effort will be spent on finding people to cover the last $2,500. It can be done with 50 new people join up through Kiva, 25 people joining the team and making 4 loans, or, well, you all can do math…
Phase two is on life support and fading fast. After much debate it’s being skipped. If by some chance it begins to show signs of life again Phase two will be done side by side with phase three. I’m not waiting any longer for my next treatment.
I hate rules… anyway… Writing the rule somehow makes them more real. Maybe because I’m more accountable. With the few live ones I’ve already had people poking at me. The issue is All Rules are in effect at All Times and Rules can NEVER Conflict. So it’s hard to explain without actually having more available. Unfortunately the last several attempts have failed. The most disappointing one was “the rule of Annabel Lee.”
Their coming. Know why nothing was posted during August? The amount of effort spent on Annabel Lee. With everything else going on it didn’t leave a lot of time for much else.
In Other News
There are major changes coming to the site OR it’s staying exactly the same. All of that HAS to happen in September. So there SHOULD be plenty to write about, Unless the pages get broken. They might get broken.
That should just about sum up your CagedSparrow update.
Nothing worth posting on The Cage happened in August. Most of the month I was hundreds of miles away rediscovering David J. Although that wasn’t by design.
“DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE”
Many have stayed focused on my visiting and exploring Kauai, one of the Hawaiian Islands. Those who’ve watched my travel patterns know it could have been a “staycation,” the best part was really taking time to spend with my family. But Hawaii was a nice touch, good call on their part. Find photos of the island on my Facebook page. If you’re not a stalker yet, click on the link to catch a glimpse. None of the photos do the beauty justice. If you’re able to, GO! I could have spent a month there, it wouldn’t have been enough. Be warned, nightlife is lacking. With few exceptions that helped add to the experience and was very refreshing.
Otherwise August proved some hard truths. As the first anniversary of The Cage AND my full re-commitment to “The Rules” are only days away, I’m left with a reminder of “how much I have to learn”. When overwhelmed with epic stress & frustration there is still an inevitable break down where hardened resolve disregards all social structure, questions everything, and takes control. While actively listening unwanted, pointed, questions venomously and instinctual attack those its curse has focused on. Sigh, and unfortunately when I’ve had too much to drink stupid new ”Dave stories” surface.
Which got me thinking about all those motivational posters littering the internet. Well, what’s one more? Bad habits are easy to lean on. They may never be broken but it’s a worthy goal. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve advised someone to keep “struggling and enjoy it”. I’ve forgotten to remind myself.
So I’ll look back on August with mixed feelings, Welcome a painful September, and work to enjoy every moment forward. Afterall, the only other option is Death.
After struggling to finish Phase One it’s fitting Phase Two die. Initially Phase Two looked like a solid game plan but most of the pieces quickly fell apart. Those interested will find the FaceBook photo journal updated to include the third Laser Treatment. Due to Phase one taking so long 8 months passed between treatments. Now there’s no telling what will happen. My intentions are to finish this project.
The journey necessary to gain closure is complete. All that remains is finishing the removal. Anyone looking for information has reference material and photo evidence. If it wasn’t for the Cage I’d just get the removals over with. Instead I’m putting the project on hold until further notice. Jumping to Phase Three would be easy; every section plays a specific role. It’s my fault for not planning properly and the project would have unfolded differently if I’d known… That said, I don’t want to jump ahead and find nothing left coming back.
Phase Two’s failure caused some minor alterations to Phase One. The formatting required fixing. Once there I felt forced to slightly refocus the material and correct grammatical errors. The Primary goal was fixing the chaotic photo placement. There was some very specific items scrubbed and a few broken links removed but the information itself remains unchanged.
Phase Two is a disaster but Phase One is something to be proud of.
Every single time I get started on a writing streak it seems the ideas will endlessly pour onto the pages. Almost as if I could sit by Lake Michigan with a cool breeze and just drift… I can hear the waves crashing. Feel the warmth of the sun. Echos of seagulls and laughing children on the beach. There I am fueled by my surroundings to just let everything spill outward into a marvelous literary masterpiece.
Not every masterpiece is Mozart, so just bare with me here. *CougH* anyway, as I was saying.
Instead my mind become so overwhelmed an irritated ball of pissed off frustration forces vomit and venom to spew forth in a manic rage. People start calling me “preachy,” argumentative, and, well, just downright mean-spirited. I retreat to a dark corner of solitude and stew. From that point forward everything written is junk. It’s like having the opposite of writer’s block. I become incapable of holding together a coherent thought.
I become less capable of holding a coherent thought?
To many things force themselves to the front causing a jumbled pile of goo. Then it’s time to quit and move on to something completely different. However that’s not how this works. There are too many projects I want finished. To many others ready to get started.
And yet yesterday was the first time I cleaned my room since before I was married. When was that? Before my cousin was married? 2008? 6 years ago. Last time I cleaned my room was six years ago. I was home for less than half of that, and I’m sure my Ex-Wife may have…
Today a friend posted on Facebook “I try to keep a lot of things on my plate so I never go hungry.” Never thought of put it that way, but I guess it’s a fair way to put it. Except I don’t feel like I’m trying to keep a lot of things on the plate. I want to be done. Let’s finish the damn meal already. Some bastard keeps filling the plate with more.
Life keeps piling it on.
Things get thrown onto the back burner, people get me sidetracked, exhaustion forces a numbness towards everyone and everything, it’s just too much. So I stuff my face trying to get it all down in gulps, hoping that maybe, just maybe if I can see the bottom of the plate I can find some peace free from guilt knowing that I have shit to do.
My Tummy hurts. One second. I… I don’t feel so good.
Ah, that’s gross. I just threw-up on the plate. Fucking Christ. Now it all has to be done over again. Only this time it’s messier, and disgusting, miserable. The only thing worse than having too much on your plate is having it come back as left overs.
It never tastes as good going down the second time.
Can’t I feel the warmth of the sun. Smell fresh air of the sea. Scratch that, I take it back. That’s not what I want at all. I remember what made all those things worth while. Having her next to me, just sitting, enjoying the company. Sharing the calm together. That ever so subtle aroma of musk and perfume from the night before mixed with the radiance of a lazy afternoon.
Where was I? Lost daydreaming for a second?
It’s always easier to manage a full plate with people around to support you. People are more than willing to share some of the load as long as they are not doing it alone. Yet here is the dilemma faced. There was a point where I was managing over two full lives, but one can only do so on the backs of others kindness. While I would never ask someone to do anything I wouldn’t do myself or I believed them incapable of doing it often caused massive issues because I expected them to do it. I was never really asking. And often I would scare the piss out of people because if I said “I need you to do this” I actually wanted it done right and thought they were capable of succeeding.
A shocking realization to some.
It wasn’t until a good friend brought this to my attention that I began to at least try to be conscious of it. Tone it down, scale back to more of a normal pace. An even tempo. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I used to get so much done. Maybe I had pushed people a bit to do it; the amazing thing, and to this day I don’t understand why, is they did. I can’t figure it out. Maybe it’s that unnatural human feeling of knowing you disappointed someone that coerced them. People have done a lot of crazy things just so they are not a disappointment.
That’s all done with now. Those times are gone.
Now the focus is more of what I can do not on what “we” can do. There are some things that others just can’t help with. Like deciphering the thoughts leaking out my head. Which is awful. It makes myself the only scapegoat in the field. While I’ve put several other of life’s thingamabobs in order there hasn’t been time to sit down and do even the simplest of new writing.
This is just a random rant spit out because it felt better than focusing on the migraine forming on the left side of my skull.
*SigH* I do need to remember that when my plate is full people are willing to help out so I can take care of what’s important. They just are a bit less willing if it’s finger fucked the first time around with a cleanup on aisle three…
WoW! That took longer then expected. The original plan was to write a single piece per laser treatment. Just one. I couldn’t do it. Everything I wrote except the intro was complete garbage.
The end of 2012 was difficult. Change is difficult. All I wanted was to crawl back to an old comfortable life and forget everything ever known about the world. “Hide in plain site” if you will. The feeling was so overwhelming it directly impacted every facet of life. For lack of a better word, I was going through withdrawal.
So the whole process was scrapped for something more therapeutic. For something better. Phase one became a personal diary of those few months eating at my soul. While it doesn’t tell the whole story, it’s a full glimpse into the world that was David J.
I wasn’t sure if that was what people where looking for while searching for tattoo removal but it doesn’t matter. As stated before, this wasn’t really done for anyone but myself. This felt like an important event to document.
Reaching a point where it was time to shed my past, I guess this journal is also a way to remember part of who I was. Things that helped me become who I am. And even though I am sharing this journey, this isn’t about giving the lost some light. This isn’t about you.
For all the support and positive feed back received on Phase One, thank you. Those who called me a “Good writer” and over all just complemented on the story, not caring as much about the tattoo removal, I don’t know what to say. I’ve been called many things, but a writer… If there was a way to give proper credit to everyone who helped with editing, organizing thoughts, and gave unrelenting encouragement I would. These are my words, my story, but they polished the stones best they could.
After the massive changes of Phase One there’s no pretending to know how Phase Two will look, but it will be different. The wounds of the past may not be fully healed however the scar tissue is finally strong enough for life to move on.
As for the other projects they are still in the works. There is a dream I’ve been working on for quite sometime, a few rules scattered around, and the “support the cage” section to build. New content should be less sporadic, there is an abundance of items still in the queue with ample ideas to replace them, but nothing will go live until it’s ready. HA! Who am I kidding, some of this stuff will go live when I can’t stand writing it anymore.
For now, it’s nice enjoying a big project completion.